Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene