*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
2. All the other idiots
As a mother of four, I am often asked what is the best way to child proof your home.
A: Send them outside to play and lock all the doors.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Sex so good you see dead people.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.