Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
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My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
peep davidson
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol