“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
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You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.