My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
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What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Milk Cube
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
sigh
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Holy moly
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.