Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
You Might Also Like
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.