Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂