The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
accurate
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.