Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
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AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training