Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
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Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”