Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
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I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.