@InternetHippo

One of the most insane things i’ve heard a person say is “i was looking for a new challenge.” Why. why would you do that

@InternetHippo

i will absolutely pretend to be your agent or lawyer or former employer or whatever else you need. not charging for this service, i just like helping my friends and lying

@InternetHippo

hollywood only caters to the bumbling oaf who wants to see godzilla and king kong fight, rather than to a genius like me who wants to see them start a small business

@InternetHippo

Gf snoops through my phone and sees I’m texting other girls about how great my gf is

@InternetHippo

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

@InternetHippo

If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house

@InternetHippo

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares