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Page of InternetHippo's best tweets

@InternetHippo : A boot camp for people who are uncomfortable accepting compliments where a drill sergeant aggressively yells nice things at you

@InternetHippo: Shame on you if you're still replying "damn" to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I...

@InternetHippo: Exhausted therapist just pointing to where he wrote "YOUR CHOICES" on a chalkboard with an arrow to where he wrote "CONSEQUENCES" and I'm staring at him and tilting my head like a dog

@InternetHippo: Please don’t get plastic surgery for some minor imperfection, if you’re gonna do it get something cool and useful like extra arms

@InternetHippo: Very telling that no clowns have agreed to appear on my show, ‘I Hate Clowns With the Wrath of God and Wish Eternal Pain Upon Them.’ I guess they aren’t interested in healthy discourse

@InternetHippo: If you're just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, "Is this really all there is to life?" and the answer is no! There's also back pain

@InternetHippo: 1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

@InternetHippo: Yesterday a girl gave me her contact info and as she was doing it she said “You won’t be weird right?” and instead of saying No (normal) or Yes (funny) I said Can you please clarify

@InternetHippo: [giving a speech to my troops before the big battle like braveheart]
Now fellas let's not be too ambitious. A win would be nice but let's be honest, the odds are against us,