@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

@InternetHippo

If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house

@InternetHippo

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

@InternetHippo

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

@InternetHippo

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

@InternetHippo

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

@InternetHippo

How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data

@InternetHippo

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

@InternetHippo

Frankly it’s disgusting that you would engage in character assassination by correctly describing to people something I did in the past