1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
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Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”