Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
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When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”