*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.