“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
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*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Holy crap this is wonderful
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.