*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
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Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I found your tweet-up…
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Still cracks me up
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.