If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
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Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
That lamp looks PISSED.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.