Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
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At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
The sacred texts.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Double negatives are never not confusing.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.