Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
You Might Also Like
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.