7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it