@IrishVin

I love walking down the street smiling to myself. It really freaks people out. Especially if my trousers are round my ankles.

@IrishVin

Me: Can I buy that chandelier?

Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself?

Me: No, I’m hanging it from the ceiling.

@IrishVin

Her: Can I see your phone?

Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**

@IrishVin

My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants.