I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”