Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
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Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
We have a winner.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
pep talk
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?