For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.