My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
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*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.