Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
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nature’s most graceful animal
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no