With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.