I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
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The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating