“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Watson was Holmes schooled
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
WWE is French for “yes”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]