Boy never ceases to amaze me
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.