My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
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If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Living the best life.. 😊
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I need this for my side hustle.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.