Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
#Caturday
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?