@itsallbollocks

my kid’s angry and giving me the silent treatment, this is very hard *makes coffee, puts feet up, opens twitter*

@itsallbollocks

acknowledging public holidays in 2020 like well well well, we get to stay EXTRA home today, woo

@itsallbollocks

couldn’t decide between consumed and ate so went with consummated, taking my donut love to a whole new level

@itsallbollocks

Cinderella’s my favourite story about a kingdom where no two people have the same size foot

@itsallbollocks

Some women are freaks in bed, I’m just a freak, in bed, in a fuchsia giraffe onesie

@itsallbollocks

Me: ssshhh it’s still nighttime look the sun is still sleeping
5yo: the sun doesn’t sleep, mum, the earth rotates and the sun’s on the other side
Me:
5yo: you don’t know anything, do you

@ItsAllBollocks

Nobody teaches you how to use a semicolon; you just read shit like this and it clicks

@ItsAllBollocks

I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater