@ItsAndyRyan

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

@ItsAndyRyan

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

@ItsAndyRyan

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

@ItsAndyRyan

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

@ItsAndyRyan

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

@ItsAndyRyan

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

@ItsAndyRyan

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I like to set goals for myself. Last year I tackled the Rockies

Date: Impressive – so what’s your plan for 2021?

Me: Probably the Rambos

@ItsAndyRyan

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08