Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
In space, no one can hear…
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”