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Page of ItsAndyRyan's best tweets

@ItsAndyRyan : I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

@ItsAndyRyan: Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it's 'not a real currency'

@ItsAndyRyan: Vampire school
Me: I just sunk my teeth into the first guy I saw on the street
Teacher: I'm afraid that's a bit pedestrian

@ItsAndyRyan: Whoever discovered cows must have been annoyed that the name 'moose' was already taken.

@ItsAndyRyan: Ladies, if he's:
- Possessive
- Confusing
- Never where he's supposed to be
...He's not your man. He's an apostrophe

@ItsAndyRyan: Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let's-a go!
Wife: You're doing Mario
Me: Sorry
Wife: I didn't say stop

@ItsAndyRyan: Wife: Can you phone the school to see if it's open?
Me: I'll go there and ask
Wife: It's ten minutes away
Me: I enjoy the walk
Wife: It's SNOWING
Me: I will literally do anything to avoid making a phone call

@ItsAndyRyan: Interviewer: As a vegan company it's important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was... a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That's a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er... pig's laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.

@ItsAndyRyan: Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about "Rock beats paper"

@ItsAndyRyan: Wife: We've been robbed!
Me: I called the copse
Wife: You mean the COPS?
Group of trees: Hi, we're Special Branch