You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I know this now 😂
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.