Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
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The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.