I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
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My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
sigh
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it