Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
You Might Also Like
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*