Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”