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Page of ItsDanSheehan's best tweets

@ItsDanSheehan : Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

@ItsDanSheehan: The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

@ItsDanSheehan: Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is "Peepo" for the last 30 years of your life

@ItsDanSheehan: Therapist: ...and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

@ItsDanSheehan: How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior's death?

@ItsDanSheehan: You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we've put up paintings of each stage of his murder

@ItsDanSheehan: When a zoo animal dies they always call it "beloved" or a "crowd favorite" like there's some animal named "Jimmy the zebra everyone hates"

@ItsDanSheehan: Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

@ItsDanSheehan: 7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials