@ItsDanSheehan

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

@ItsDanSheehan

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

@ItsDanSheehan

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

@ItsDanSheehan

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

@ItsDanSheehan

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

@ItsDanSheehan

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

@ItsDanSheehan

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

@ItsDanSheehan

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

@ItsDanSheehan

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

@ItsDanSheehan

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”