Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
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After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Lmao the reply