When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
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So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I support this random dude and all his protests