i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
How I like cutting carbs
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day