i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
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was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet