Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
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The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.