[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Thinking about Jeff
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
me after drinking all the wine:
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.