13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world