I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.