Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What