@ItsSamG

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

@ItsSamG

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

@ItsSamG

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

@ItsSamG

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

@ItsSamG

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

@ItsSamG

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

@ItsSamG

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

@ItsSamG

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

@ItsSamG

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

@ItsSamG

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.